An email forwarded from my mom...

...because I asked her to... because I thought it was really cute.

BROLERT: This is the least bro-esque post in a while, maybe ever, so, heads up. Don't keep reading if you think the brog has balls.

For some reason I feel like this post is just for Anne and Erika for their love of cute animals and babies, respectively.

Last comment: I would've emailed this to the Cute Animals list... if it existed... which it should.

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ATTENTION ALL DOGS!!!

THE FOLLOWING ARE IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS FOR EVERY DOG TO KNOW

Instructions for properly hugging a baby.

1. First, spy a baby:


2. Second, be sure that the object you spied was indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques.

If you smell baby powder and the wonderful aroma of wet diapers this is indeed a baby.


3. Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process.


**Note: The added slobber should help in future steps by making the "paw slide" easier.

4. The "paw slide"
Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.


5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented "hug, smile, and lean" so as to achieve the best photo quality.


Xoxoxo!

Texas Tea Time

Has anyone ever seen the MTV show "America's Best Dance Crew"? It shouldn't surprise you that I'm no dance fanatic. But lately, whenever I'm channel-surfing and I flip to this show, I'll always take a moment to check it out. 

I was watching it this evening thinking it was a repeat of the first season, which aired during spring break, but then I saw a dance crew I had never seen before: Houston's Distorted X. I guess they're in the midst of the second season. This is really the only picture of the group I could find, off the MTV website. Unfortunately, it really doesn't do justice to how hot these girls are, and how rad it is to watch them boogie down. Highly recc'd to mah bros, especially those of us who won't be getting any ass anytime soon. Word.

New Jersey's as boring as it should be, but I start my job tomorrow which will hopefully add a jolt to the summer. Downed my first from-tap brew here in New Jersey last night with some high school bros -- finally!

Another check on the to-do list: I finally got around to listening to the second half of the Clash's London Calling, which for some reason I've always put off. Good stuff. I also had my 12-year-old brother Sam make me a Lil Wayne playlist, which I've been enjoying the hell out of, along with Tha Carter 3. Tom, I think your comps could highly improve by studying Lil Wayne's use of simile and metaphor. "I'm rare like Mr. Clean with hair"? You can't teach that shit. He also compares being fucked on drank to being a turtle: "I'm like a turtle when I sip the purple"; "I'm on that syrup on that turtle time." I love it.

It was 101 degrees when I got off the plane

Do you guys know how glad I was when this blog went bold on Google Reader?

Home's pretty okay-- nice to see the fam but I don't think I could spend more than a week here before I became REALLY bored.

My favorite moment so far was at Jonah's award ceremony the other night. He was receiving an award for participation in the special olympics. Of course, when they called his name, he was too scared to get up in front of everyone, so he threw himself on the floor and covered his ears. As his big sister, knowing what's best for him, I dragged him up to the edge of the crowd, pulled him to his feet, and pushed him out into the open.

Quickly, he realized how much he loved this attention. So many people standing and clapping, all just for HIM! So he walked as slowly as possible, pausing on occasion to cup his hand over his ear and urge the crowd on for more clapping with his other arm. If it died down, he would start it up again. He finally made it up to the front (to accept the award from our mother, btw, the head of the school board), when he took an ENORMOUS bow and spent at least one more full minute creeping away while applauding himself before I dragged him off. I thought I would die with laughter. He cannot NOT make a scene.

Hope you guys are having more eventful times than I am... Off to Oregon on Sunday though! Terrifying.

brawlmore

I mentioned this to a lot of people, but the Baltimore Freedom Academy is one of the coolest places in the world. I might work there after I graduate. It's a charter school, so they don't have to do standardized testing. There's about 400 students overall, chosen by lottery through the Baltimore City system. The curriculum is open. It's all project-based learning. So teaching geometry would involve, for example, planning and building a garden. Teaching government would involve doing research and interviews with city social workers.

My mom might teach English there next year. She just had an interview.

When she went in, she ran into Bill Zorzi.



Zorzi wrote for The Baltimore Sun for 20 years, and then was a writer for The Wire. He actually played himself in the 5th season, if anyone recognizes him. He is now the journalism teacher at the Freedom Academy.

According to wikipedia, "As a reporter Zorzi has been described as tough and cranky...He is an acerbic and profane presence." Kind of an understatement for anyone that has seen the show.

Post-Carleton, if I worked at a 400-student charter school with my mom and Bill Zorzi, I'd be pretty happy.

In other home news, I'm happy, busy and sweaty (it's miserably humid). I've gone to the zoo, 2 hangout roofs and 3 of my favorite restaurants in less than 24 hours.

I'm particularly excited about seeing these guys on Saturday:

Overheard in Charlottesville

Hey.

As I walked back to the lab from lunch today I overheard two really depressing conversations. Both occurred within the same 2 block span in designated smoking areas outside of the hospital. Both people speaking were older ladies. And both were weathered looking, low level hospital employees. The conversations are transcribed as best as I can remember, meaning nearly verbatim.

Conversation one:

"So then after my husband got laid off and tried to kill himself I decided that I should try to kill myself. After I got out of the hospital we were both put on anti-depressants and it's really strengthened our relationship."

Conversation two:

"That's the problem with marrying an alcoholic: they're either hittin' you 'cause they're drunk, or they're hittin' you 'cause you're tryin' to stop 'em from gettin' drunk."

Summer oh eight boys.

Oh, and here's the video we watched in the backyard the other day. Dan asked me to post it so here it is:



Xoxo

Listen

KNUCK IF U BUCKED THIS BITCH ROUND TOWN.

Summer is around the corner...

Believe me when I say I'm sorry

So a few nights ago, I was hanging around the Reub after closing, and these two shady characters sidled up and asked if I could spare a cigarette or two. "Sure," I said--I was in a good mood, and I've been watching my intake, anyway. So these guys and I smoked and talkd for a while, and ended up hitting it off.

"What're you guys up to now?" I asked.
They exchanged glances, and then looked back at me.
"What're you up to?" one asked in an obviously portentous voice.
"I dunno, what're yooooou up to?" I was pretty drunk, and I suppose this kind of joke might've made you guys laugh a little, but my new friends seemed a little thrown, especially since I couldn't stop laughing at myself.

After a long pause, we all regained our composure. One of the guys--I think he had a goatee--pulled a small phial out of his coat pocket.
"Ever heard of adrenochrome?" he asked?
"Of course," I replied, as if I wasn't lying.
"You want some?"

I've already mentioned that I was pretty drunk. Long story short, I invited the guys back to my place, dropped some adrenochrome into some Wild Turkey, and threw it back. BAD IDEA.

The next thing I knew, it was 3:30 this afternoon and I was shirtless on the living room floor. I still can't remember a thing, but apparently some crazy shit went down, because the house is a shadow of its former self. I'm showing this to you bros assuming you're going to see it soon anyway; there's no way I can mop this up by Sunday:






I guess I've learned my lesson the hard way. I am NEVER doing drugs EVER AGAIN. I promise, you guys, everything will be back the way it was as soon as possible.

For now, maybe this'll cheer you up:I don't know who took this picture, but they took it with my cellphone and then sent it to my T-Mobile photo album. I had no idea it existed until today (I used the same system to take the above photos). How often do I make this face?

C'ville in the news

http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/03/28/interstate.shootings.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

I went to high school with this dude. That track team that they say he was on? Yeah. I was on that team.

It's country out here, I'm tellin' ya.

Xoxoxo

house liveblog

This is the first ever house liveblog.

6:19 PM: Tom just put his shirt back on. Thank god. That was getting distracting and I've got a liveblog to do.

6:20 PM: The song just changed. It was Dr. Dog. Now it's some whiny lady who I've never heard before.

6:22 PM: Tom informs me the band is called "The Do." It's actually pronounced "The Doo," which I find pretentious.

6:22 PM: Tom has been clipping his nails and, sure enough, there is a disgusting heap of nail clippings all over his crotch. Narsty.

6:25 PM: I'm sitting on the floral couch in the living room. Jose De La Torre has slept on this same couch for the past 3 days. I barf a little.

6:27 PM: Tom informs me the band is also French, which excuses the pretentious name, I think.

6:29 PM: I check my e-mail and get something from Chelsea Clinton (I subsribe to the Hillary Clinton listserv for kicks.) This is what she tells me-

Dear James, When I heard that Elton John was throwing a concert in New York for my mom's campaign, I knew it was going to be a night I didn't want to miss. Want to join me there?

I think it's a little scandalous that she would ask me out like that. I forward it to many prominent bloggers.

6:31 PM: Tom informs me that he wants to go to the liquor store and asks if I want to come. I'd like to get pretty soused tonight, so I end a historic liveblog to get some pbr.

JPoole: The Mystery Deepens

Colin: JPoole has been removed from YouPorn. And if you google "jpoole youporn" it shows it was once on the site but is now an invalid link. Shit's nuts. Bros: this will all make sense soon enough.

VA

I've been in Halifax, VA for a couple days now.

Yesterday, my cousins and I went for a NASCAR race, which I enjoyed unironically.

Things to sincerely like about NASCAR races:
1. VRRRRRRRRROOM!
2. People-watching. There's a lot of weird looking people lurking around the stands. People with oddly placed facial hair. People who are obese in weird places.
3. Watching a car pass another car. To do this, you have to get part of your car next to the car in front of you when you're going around the curve. On the straightaway, you then put the pedal to the medal and pass the guy. Both of these things- the positioning to get next to the car, and the burst of speed after- are riveting.
4.Beer. You can bring as much beer as you want.
5. The smell. It's a mix of farts, burning rubber, body odor and fumes.
6. Crashes. When there is a dramatic crash, the entire crowd stands up, points, and says something like "Ooooooh shit!" Drivers don't get hurt because they're so well-protected within the cars. But the smoke and loud noise are exciting.

In my time here, I've also shot a gun, picked a tick from my thigh and drove a pick-up truck.

All y'all are a bunch of fuckin' pussies.

Colin, I just wanna dance with you

I'm sick of reading shit like blah blah blah, I'm getting a job, college is over, I'm a working man, this is when the fun stops. Fuck that. When I get out of college I'm only partying harder than ever, I'm gonna take all sorts of pills and take bike rides across the city with hot chicks.

Love of Flying

Hey.

On my flight this afternoon from Minneapolis to Cincinnati, the man sitting one row ahead of me on the opposite side of the aisle fell asleep on his own jowls. He was a fairly rotund man, but even so, his jowls were disproportionately large. I watched him prepare for sleep by kinda burrowing his chin down a little bit until roll after roll of skin folded out from under his neck and collapsed, landing on his shoulder. Comfortably supported from being nestled in his flabs, his head was cushioned and upright. He fell asleep almost instantly.


That man knows how to live.

Happy Spring Break '08 everyone.