Panera Warmth = Panera Hugs
This is the equation I learned today at Panera's Planet Bread, the biggest corporate handjob I've ever been a part of. For three hours, I sat in an unheated room and listened to twentysomething middle management-types talk about how and why Panera bread is the greatest thing since... ummm... ever. I'm actually surprised they didn't make a sliced bread joke. They hit all the other bad puns: "More dough helps us go!" "Breaducation," "Knead to Know," etc.
Now, I suppose you all have a few questions: What is Panera Warmth? What are Panera Hugs? Well, Panera Warmth can be approximated through the addition of two other, equally inexplicable terms:
PW = Concept Essence + Cultural Values
Both Concept Essence and Cultural Values (CE and CV, respectively), are divided into four talking points, which are further subdivided into key ideas. Some highlights:
Cultural Values
Rule #1 [conspicuously listed as the second rule down, after No Jerks]
-We [the Panera Associates] form a connection through our authenticity and service [italics theirs].
Profit Provides Possibilies
-Profit sustains the growth of our concept and our people. [Yes, citizens, Panera is one of those noble charities for whom money is only a means, not an end]
Concept Essence
->We are a guide to discovering the warmth and energy of a lifestyle enhanced by bread. [After reading this bullet point, one of our facilitators, who couldn't find a way to uselessly elaborate on such an already useless point (his forte), simply said, "Um, yeah, I think that speaks for itself," and moved on].
We watched a timelapse of a Panera Location called A Day in the Life of a Bread Store. The soundtrack was replete with open piano chords and cello swells. The narration read thus:
This store... is alive...
...It lives [redundant?]...
...It breathes...
...It... ...Feels...
...
...It never closes...
...It only gets ready for the next day...
...When the cycle starts anew...
Beautiful. What an animal. Not much else to report, here. The Xmas spirit is really starting to flow in the FC. I bought my mom a cutting/serving board. Right up her alley. God knows what anyone else is getting. I think I'll get my brother a kick in the pants. Kid's a goddamn sack 'o potatoes. I can still beat him in Halo, thought.
Anyway, Christmas has gotten me listening to a lot of choral music, which I used to listen to/sing a lot more often than I have since I started college (i.e. never). Following that line of thought, this song is without a doubt one of my favorite Christmas songs, as well as one of my favorite songs period, sung by one of the best choirs around.
Robert Shaw Festival & Chamber Singers - O Magnum Mysterium
It's this kind of stuff that I can see myself listening to long after I quit illegally downloading every flavor of the year. Sorry, Sunset Rubdown. Immortality eludes you.
